tuesday, i was due for a one week reflection journal. i screwed up and missed that one. i know no one is reading this so, i suppose, i could go back in and edit the date - pretend to be the bestest blogger ever - but if this was ever about someone else, it certainly isn't anymore.
i was a little busy tuesday night - getting dumped for a macbook. internet, the best thing i can say about my relationship right now is 'it exists'
its way too soon in the "hey, remember how i said i wanted to leave? i changed my mind" process for me to express anything other than anger, frustration, dismay and doubts. i maintain my previous stance on the importance of new experiences and a sense of independence for me and i'm going forward. maybe after some more therapy, some more deep breaths, and some more time i'll have something nicer to say but, for today, saying 'okay, we'll try this again' is a lot.
but on to other things - there's this boy at work ;)
no, really, there is a boy at work, but it's not like that. reece promised to send me pictures from that really-awful-conference they sent him to - he also promised to tell me awesome stories about inappropriate behavior and everyone knows i live for stories about inappropriate behavior - but so far, we're just sticking to the pictures. (bummer.) my day has been kind of up and down, and right now the best thing i can say for this project is that running against my every impulse to be unfriendly granted me bright spots in this day.
since this all fell apart, my only real reprieve has been work and, while that isn't bad, it isn't exactly peace, light and joy, ya know? (and then i got home to do battle with my taxes - ew.)
i don't know how it happened and i don't know why, but i know that today, the only genuine smile i cracked all day was at the sight of the subject line "yeah, that's white chocolate" and a low-light snapshot of his heavily branded corporate dessert. so today i'm being grateful for reece and, even though i missed the window to send cookies to his hotel, next week i'll drop a batch off in his office to say thanks because he's not a bad guy to have on the fringes of my life.
Showing posts with label reflecting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflecting. Show all posts
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
reflecting: three days
today probably isn't the best day to reflect on this project - or maybe it is. today i had therapy. folks, i hate therapy. i think if your therapist is worth their salt, you should hate therapy, but i hate it nevertheless and i never want to go. plus, i also had my allergy shot today - and i hate needles.
clearly, i'm not exactly an overnight case on the being less negative thing. but, i promised myself i would keep reflecting - keeping thinking about it, keep focusing on it until it stuck, so i'm doing it tonight, but i'm not doing it well. one day, three days, one week, two weeks, one month and so on...
i always leave the office feeling morose. sure, she makes sure to take a moment to say "the reason you have this problem is because you're smart - you aren't like other people and you look at things differently. you have a gift, you just have no idea how to apply it," but honestly, to me that sounds like the same bullshit people have been feeding me since i was four. it isn't enough to just tell me i need to apply intuitiveness and rational thinking to my relationships with people - tell me how to do it.
but, that brings me back around to this project because, after we got done talking about work, we started talking about goals. we're still getting to know eachother and she asked me what my life goals were for my career, my finances, my relationships - romantic and other wise, marriage, kids, etc... literally, that's what she asked me. i remember, because i tried to crawl under the door and escape. we only made it as far as work, money and friendship. we got stuck there because I said something simple and true - "i want friends. sure, i want some friends i can mull over deep, personal issues with, but i also just want some people i can go shopping with or have over for dinner and i haven't had any of those in years."
she asked why i dont have any, and how long it has been since i did and i answered as honestly as i know how to "because all the friends i had either died, committed ultimate acts of betrayal or tried to sleep with me. the last time i made a new friend was college, which is impressive, since i was two years ahead." i'm a work and then home girl right now, and when i'm at work, when i discover something in common with someone, i hide it in fear that we might actually have to bond over something - because did i mention all of the burials, betrayals and bloodshed?
still, i'm trying to be better and part of the list - a big part of the list, in fact, is about friendship. it's about not being the work and then home girl - about going places and trying new things and meeting new people and, maybe bonding with them enough to beg for an opinion on my furniture. it's about not hiding behind mike anymore and blaming my anti-social behavior on his. and, in a way, it's about dragging him along for the ride. (and yes, i was being paranoid. he didn't notice, but at least that meant he kind of cared. not a big 'joiner,' that one.)
so yes, it is, a little about friendship and today i'm reflecting on how hard this is going to be, but i'm banking on it being worth it too.
clearly, i'm not exactly an overnight case on the being less negative thing. but, i promised myself i would keep reflecting - keeping thinking about it, keep focusing on it until it stuck, so i'm doing it tonight, but i'm not doing it well. one day, three days, one week, two weeks, one month and so on...
i always leave the office feeling morose. sure, she makes sure to take a moment to say "the reason you have this problem is because you're smart - you aren't like other people and you look at things differently. you have a gift, you just have no idea how to apply it," but honestly, to me that sounds like the same bullshit people have been feeding me since i was four. it isn't enough to just tell me i need to apply intuitiveness and rational thinking to my relationships with people - tell me how to do it.
but, that brings me back around to this project because, after we got done talking about work, we started talking about goals. we're still getting to know eachother and she asked me what my life goals were for my career, my finances, my relationships - romantic and other wise, marriage, kids, etc... literally, that's what she asked me. i remember, because i tried to crawl under the door and escape. we only made it as far as work, money and friendship. we got stuck there because I said something simple and true - "i want friends. sure, i want some friends i can mull over deep, personal issues with, but i also just want some people i can go shopping with or have over for dinner and i haven't had any of those in years."
she asked why i dont have any, and how long it has been since i did and i answered as honestly as i know how to "because all the friends i had either died, committed ultimate acts of betrayal or tried to sleep with me. the last time i made a new friend was college, which is impressive, since i was two years ahead." i'm a work and then home girl right now, and when i'm at work, when i discover something in common with someone, i hide it in fear that we might actually have to bond over something - because did i mention all of the burials, betrayals and bloodshed?
still, i'm trying to be better and part of the list - a big part of the list, in fact, is about friendship. it's about not being the work and then home girl - about going places and trying new things and meeting new people and, maybe bonding with them enough to beg for an opinion on my furniture. it's about not hiding behind mike anymore and blaming my anti-social behavior on his. and, in a way, it's about dragging him along for the ride. (and yes, i was being paranoid. he didn't notice, but at least that meant he kind of cared. not a big 'joiner,' that one.)
so yes, it is, a little about friendship and today i'm reflecting on how hard this is going to be, but i'm banking on it being worth it too.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
reflecting: one day
today i didn't do a lot of the things on my list. in fact, the only thing on the list i did accomplish was number twelve. today i appreciated a moment and, hours later, it feels pretty good.
instead of drowning in how exhausted and out of my element i was feeling, taking a second to be content felt good, and it felt even better when the sense of "how nice was that" carried on for hours. i don't expect it to work every day, but there might be something to this whole 'gratitude' thing.
the other thing i did today left me feeling a little bit less zen and content. this project - this change - has been sloshing around in my head for months...since the phrase "today i will be happier than a bird with a french fry" got stuck in my head for the first time, maybe even since the first time katie leveled me at a bar by asking "but you're happy, aren't you?" today though, today was the first time i took the chance and let someone else in. so maybe, just maybe, i should have added "let people in" to my little list and then i would be able to check two things off. today i invited the other half to participate and, for me, that's scary because, and not to give too much credit to my therapist, i wait for the day i'm going to come home to no one. hours later and, with no response at all, i guess all i can really hope for is that he didn't notice - otherwise, who am i going to kiss at red lights?
instead of drowning in how exhausted and out of my element i was feeling, taking a second to be content felt good, and it felt even better when the sense of "how nice was that" carried on for hours. i don't expect it to work every day, but there might be something to this whole 'gratitude' thing.
the other thing i did today left me feeling a little bit less zen and content. this project - this change - has been sloshing around in my head for months...since the phrase "today i will be happier than a bird with a french fry" got stuck in my head for the first time, maybe even since the first time katie leveled me at a bar by asking "but you're happy, aren't you?" today though, today was the first time i took the chance and let someone else in. so maybe, just maybe, i should have added "let people in" to my little list and then i would be able to check two things off. today i invited the other half to participate and, for me, that's scary because, and not to give too much credit to my therapist, i wait for the day i'm going to come home to no one. hours later and, with no response at all, i guess all i can really hope for is that he didn't notice - otherwise, who am i going to kiss at red lights?
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