ice cold, cool.

do you remember in the sixth grade when the nerdy kids still played with dolls/watched nickelodeon and you were way way way too cool for that? or worse, do you remember being the kid in sixth grade who still played with dolls and got made fun of by all of the other kids that were way way way too cool for that? remember when you were older and you looked at the sixth graders who thought it was too cool and made fun of them because that was the most uncool thing ever?

internet, i feel pretty uncool right now. i don't really know where i landed in the sixth grade - i know i played with dolls, but i'm pretty sure i pretended i didn't, which was uncool to all of those other kids who played with dolls, but what are you going to do, right? right now, though? right now i'm totally one of the kids making fun of all the other kids and there is a part of me that knows that's pretty sad - a part of me that knows what i'm missing out on and i don't want to miss it anymore. i want the snapshots of tomorrow to be filled with new experiences and laughter - even if the laughter is over how awful the new experiences turn out to be.

a few months ago, i might have said that years of trauma have taught me to be callous, not to love things or to want them, but i just think that would be more of the same. so, for today, i'm going to say that years of poor decisions (on my part) let me fool myself into believing that being clever meant making fun of everyone and everything. i won't say i'm going to give up on making fun of people and things because i love making fun of people and things, but i want to love things just as much as i love making fun of them.

this journey will probably be about a lot of things - about personal growth, about change, about being open - but i hope, above anything I might be able to get out of it, the biggest benefit will be to my relationship. ten years and a lot of baggage has given way to complacency and if i am a very, very lucky girl, i won't be the only one taking the trip.