sorry i fell apart at the end

today started out okay.  i let mike sleep in late because he needed it and spent the morning shopping and planning and looking at picnic baskets.  (this is not a new found affection of mine - i have been in love with the picnic basket since i was a little girl.  tartan linings and leather straps holding in wine glasses and porcelain plates and a thermos full of hot coffee all on a - oh right - totally awesome tartan blanket, are you kidding me?  what isn't there to love?) 

when i got bored with being depressed that a totally kick ass picnic set is going to run $200 unless I want to do it myself, and at nearly three in the afternoon, i woke mike up and we went out to run some errands and chat and hang out.  there was a run to target and the grocery store and some talking about friends and friendship and change and things were all well and good...and then we got home and he mentioned re-upping our lease and wow did i totally lose my shit all over him.

i panicked about the dispersal of financial resources in this house and i freaked out about where this relationship is going.  i put voice to my fears that he doesn't talk to me about what his plans are, even for the immediate future, and that i'm not sure if it means he doesn't have any, or he thinks i won't approve of them, or if i'm simply not invited to participate in his future at all.  i told him i have two therapists who tell me every week that this relationship isn't good for me, that things are unequal and always will be, and that i won't let myself believe it's true but the only way we're going to prove them wrong is if we make sure things are equal in the future, and i need his help to do that. 

i cried, and then he cleaned and that's pretty much how heavy discussions in our house go.  the kitchen is never shinier than when he pisses me off.

he's out now, talking to nate, hopefully about nothing because i find that's usually what the both of us need after a night like this.  so, if you're out there hon, i'm sorry i fell apart at the end but i really enjoyed the beginning.