contrary to when i actually get out of bed on saturday mornings, i'm not a late sleeper.
ever since i was a little girl, saturday mornings have been my favorite time out of any given week. i've never been an exceptionally late sleeper, but i will lay in bed, invariably, until at least 10. for a few hours, i may slide in and out of semi-conscious dreams, aware of them, what they are, and able to change the paths in the brief moments of lucidity as i drift in and out of sleep, but the process of waking up is equally treasured, because it's then that hours of lazy daydreaming can begin.
i spent this saturday morning like i spend every other saturday morning, only vaugely aware that i was awake since eight o'clock, and in every moment since allowing my mind to wander and drift through novels and memories and hopes and aspirations.
i'm not sure what i'll do today, but i imagine it's difficult not to be well-disposed when one wakes up so sweetly.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
pretty things...
i had a pretty intense dream this weekend, internet.
it morphed into a commentary on life and on love and how woefully short of loving anything i have a tendency to fall. naturally, i responded to this dream by hopping online in search of a dream catcher. i found one at toonyvintage on etsy and i can only hope that it arrives as beautiful as it appears - a fluff of feathers and the perfect mix between art and purpose.
love incarnate...and speaking of that...
a lot of things in my personal history haven't really worked out, and i'm sure i have no shortage of things in my future that won't work out either, but to learn to live the experiences and love them for what they are is something i'm not sure i've ever done before - to be open and take deep breaths and drink everything in, each iota of what it means.
it feels really silly to say that i've never considered what i want, what kind of person i want to be or what kind of people i want to be around. as my relationship suffers/survives while will be transformative (either way), i caught myself building up an expectation that i would be able to rely on the other people in my life to help me patch up some of the void and fill in some of the empty spots. in the last few weeks, it's become really clear that i can't count on that - that not all of the people in my life are ready to be that person, but really, that's okay, because it prompted me to ask myself questions about more than what i want to be, but about who i want to be surrounded by.
i've slipped a little bit - struggled to invest my time and my hope and my love in mike, so constantly afraid that he had one foot out the door - but i think, no matter what happens, the investment can't be wasted now. my tendency to focus on the destination more than the journey (hi, type a personality!) makes me look back at my friendships, at my mistakes and dismiss the entire experience with no regard for the adventure.
it's a mistake i'm trying not to make again (and again, and again and again...) so, today, respecting the adventure, i decided to part with $40 hard earned dollars, trading them in for a chance at unmolested sleep and a guarantee of a piece i will keep with me for years, exactly as it is.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
how you doin'?
or maybe it is more appropriate to say 'how i doin'?' and the answer to that question is so so so so so much better.
in the last couple of months, i have started to learn to accept that i have GAwD* (generalized anxiety disorder) when my two therapists started to suggest it, i kind of took offense. not the sort of 'how dare you suggest there is something wrong with me?' kind, but more to the notion that there was something wrong with me that wasn't just completely a product of my own making. things that i do to myself, i can fix...but things that are just wrong with me, that will just always be something i have to manage, seem really unfair. its been so long since i haven't been all dark and twisty and damaged that i have a tendency to believe it was all off the trauma that made me the person i've become, better and worse, but when i think back on it objectively, i can remember having panic attacks long before things started to really unravel.
this trip to d.c. was really really really good for me. it was everything i hoped it would be. (well, almost. i'm still pretty bummed that we couldn't get into the gallery over the reading room at the LoC and that the house and senate weren't in action.) parts of my trip bordered on pretty sucky. my mom has a little bit of her mom in her and she's afraid of a lot of things that have never really frightened me. i might be afraid, in the big scary, poorly lit subway at night, that something worthy of an episode of csi is going to happen to me, but my mom is worried that someone is going to steal my purse. that kind of stuff never really frightened me. if someone does steal my purse, it will suck. but i buy my electronics on the cheap, i don't carry cash and i only have one credit card, so to cancel my accounts and get new ones would only take me a few minutes. it would be an inconvenience, but i wouldn't like, you know, die or anything. for my mom, though, its a lot bigger than that, and her amped up anxiety over silly things like that tends to feed negatively into my own energy to control mine. there was, of course, the meltdown to start all other meltdowns - and by that, i mean that i've come to believe that part of my process of traveling is just going to be that complete emotional collapse in the first twenty-four hours. it doesn't just happen - i need it to happen. it seems to be the only way to purge all of that chemical tension and, as soon as it's over, i feel great. knowing that is so amazingly freeing because now i can know that i just need an hour or two at the beginning of a trip to totally lose my shit before i can carry on with the enjoyment. maybe someday i will learn to manage my GAwD enough that i don't need that kind of release anymore but, for now, just reconciling with it is enough to make me feel better about my mental health and my future as a traveller of the world.
most of it though, was pretty great. i saw arlington and the hill and i walked the mall and saw the supreme court and went to the iwo jima memorial on the anniversary of the flag raising. i learned so much about myself and saw so many of the things that mean so much to me.
i came home from that trip on thursday, high on personal revolations, vacation juju, the joy of finally seeing some things that i have always wanted to see and the realization that i have a way to see cities and things in the way i've always wanted to see and experience them without having to completely tear my life apart to trek up to madison to participate in the #wiunion rally, to see the days speaker and to protest the (at the time) proposed denial of access to a public building by anyone suspected of being a protestor. while it's true that i am, for the moment, covered under my mother's state health insurance and that she is being directly targeted by this legislation, it's also true that i stand somewhere in the middle on this issue. having had a handful of public school teachers and not having thought any of them were worth their salt, i do think that those particular teachers should tighten their belts until they are right out of jobs. but, with all of that said, i also believe that school should be palaces or - in the words of bradley whitford (a.k.a.josh lyman *swoon*) who came to speak to us that saturday - that they should be as shiny as our missiles and that the teachers who are good aren't being paid anywhere near enough.
i still have to get into what i saw and what i experienced there because it was truly surreal. the true politeness of wisconsinites came through in sharp reveal, despite the 15/85 split. the will of the people with whom i shared the air, to stand outside for ten hours in hoodies, hats and gloves, through snow and fifteen degree weather, not to destroy anything but to say 'stop it - stop attacking our chlidren' was - no is, because they're still out there - amazing. to see strangers consoling other strangers and to see protestors stepping in to stand with police when one of the 15% whackadoo's got out of line only to see the police break ranks to stand with us when they were ordered to evict citizens from the capitol building. i can neither adequately verbalize what i saw there, nor express how hurt i've been by the way it's being reported in some outlets. to call these people slobs - these people who have, by and large (did i mention the 15%), complied with every reasonable request to preserve order and property - and to be called hateful and uncivilized when i have never seen a group so organized and polite as to use protest marshalls to guide people in and out of a starbucks, making sure the doors stay shut so the baristas who didn't dress for the weather don't get cold with the wind whistiling in and out of the door as people open and close it. (i mean, really folks, "hateful and uncivilized?')
since monday, protesters have been barred from entering the capitol building in violation of an appellate court ruling and, those who didn't exit - a group of about 75 holding out inside - were unable to leave because they would not be let back in... that, that was worth fighting for. until yesterday, i'd planned to return to madison this weekend to stand in force with them.... with the democratic assembly members forced to move their desks to the capitol steps because their constituents weren't being allowed inside and with the citizens sleeping on the lawn for fear they would be pushed all the way back out to the streets if they gave up the ground. thursday, i was spared that chilly fate by a higher court who ruled that, while it is unconstitutional to bar access to a public building during business hours, it would be considered permissible to close the capitol until open of business monday for cleaning and any necessary repairs.
as the political situation in this state deteriorates, and as the country watches us, i'm not so interested in standing on the sides of unions, but i will always stand with those who stand against those who wish to trample the first amendment, whatever that requires. monday is going to prove a very interesting day.
i guess i got into that a little more than i'd originally intended to...and i can tell because i started crying a little while talking about it but my original point was really just this - that i went and i saw and i participated and that is exactly what all of this is about.
i am starting to see a real change in myself. it's small and it's subtle but i know it and i can see it. while i still haven't really forgiven the universe for birthing me into a family where i would be required to work every day of my life, i find that i'm happier, even there and, when i'm at home, i find myself treasuring the little things more. wednesday, i danced in the grocery store to footloose and last night i rocked out in the car to a little bit of prince. i'm embracing things more and worrying about things less, which is a huge change for me, since i should really be worrying about whether or not i'm leaving mike behind in all of this (i think i might be) but, i have therapists for that.
in the days to come, spring is going to start to peak its head out from behind the piles of totally gross snow-trash which means all sorts of things, from moving our little weekend picnics outside to kite flying (a new addition to my list-of-things-to-do-outside) and a scary camping trip all the way out to the roads finally drying up enough that i can start to learn to do that which has scared me so much - drive without a sense of paralyzing anxiety. mike will be picking up his new accessories in the next few days, which means a lot of changes for our relationship - good or bad - and it means i am one step closer to my own car, and my own requirement to drive it which, for me, means a lot of freedom i really should have gotten about ten years ago...it also means that my money will once again become my own and jetting off for a weekend to experience a place i've never been will, once again, become an option.
i am so excited to see everything that is in store for me and, that, internet, is the biggest change of all.
*w totally optional, but it's more fun to say "g-ahw-d" than "g-A-d" as in 'dad'
in the last couple of months, i have started to learn to accept that i have GAwD* (generalized anxiety disorder) when my two therapists started to suggest it, i kind of took offense. not the sort of 'how dare you suggest there is something wrong with me?' kind, but more to the notion that there was something wrong with me that wasn't just completely a product of my own making. things that i do to myself, i can fix...but things that are just wrong with me, that will just always be something i have to manage, seem really unfair. its been so long since i haven't been all dark and twisty and damaged that i have a tendency to believe it was all off the trauma that made me the person i've become, better and worse, but when i think back on it objectively, i can remember having panic attacks long before things started to really unravel.
this trip to d.c. was really really really good for me. it was everything i hoped it would be. (well, almost. i'm still pretty bummed that we couldn't get into the gallery over the reading room at the LoC and that the house and senate weren't in action.) parts of my trip bordered on pretty sucky. my mom has a little bit of her mom in her and she's afraid of a lot of things that have never really frightened me. i might be afraid, in the big scary, poorly lit subway at night, that something worthy of an episode of csi is going to happen to me, but my mom is worried that someone is going to steal my purse. that kind of stuff never really frightened me. if someone does steal my purse, it will suck. but i buy my electronics on the cheap, i don't carry cash and i only have one credit card, so to cancel my accounts and get new ones would only take me a few minutes. it would be an inconvenience, but i wouldn't like, you know, die or anything. for my mom, though, its a lot bigger than that, and her amped up anxiety over silly things like that tends to feed negatively into my own energy to control mine. there was, of course, the meltdown to start all other meltdowns - and by that, i mean that i've come to believe that part of my process of traveling is just going to be that complete emotional collapse in the first twenty-four hours. it doesn't just happen - i need it to happen. it seems to be the only way to purge all of that chemical tension and, as soon as it's over, i feel great. knowing that is so amazingly freeing because now i can know that i just need an hour or two at the beginning of a trip to totally lose my shit before i can carry on with the enjoyment. maybe someday i will learn to manage my GAwD enough that i don't need that kind of release anymore but, for now, just reconciling with it is enough to make me feel better about my mental health and my future as a traveller of the world.
most of it though, was pretty great. i saw arlington and the hill and i walked the mall and saw the supreme court and went to the iwo jima memorial on the anniversary of the flag raising. i learned so much about myself and saw so many of the things that mean so much to me.
i came home from that trip on thursday, high on personal revolations, vacation juju, the joy of finally seeing some things that i have always wanted to see and the realization that i have a way to see cities and things in the way i've always wanted to see and experience them without having to completely tear my life apart to trek up to madison to participate in the #wiunion rally, to see the days speaker and to protest the (at the time) proposed denial of access to a public building by anyone suspected of being a protestor. while it's true that i am, for the moment, covered under my mother's state health insurance and that she is being directly targeted by this legislation, it's also true that i stand somewhere in the middle on this issue. having had a handful of public school teachers and not having thought any of them were worth their salt, i do think that those particular teachers should tighten their belts until they are right out of jobs. but, with all of that said, i also believe that school should be palaces or - in the words of bradley whitford (a.k.a.josh lyman *swoon*) who came to speak to us that saturday - that they should be as shiny as our missiles and that the teachers who are good aren't being paid anywhere near enough.
i still have to get into what i saw and what i experienced there because it was truly surreal. the true politeness of wisconsinites came through in sharp reveal, despite the 15/85 split. the will of the people with whom i shared the air, to stand outside for ten hours in hoodies, hats and gloves, through snow and fifteen degree weather, not to destroy anything but to say 'stop it - stop attacking our chlidren' was - no is, because they're still out there - amazing. to see strangers consoling other strangers and to see protestors stepping in to stand with police when one of the 15% whackadoo's got out of line only to see the police break ranks to stand with us when they were ordered to evict citizens from the capitol building. i can neither adequately verbalize what i saw there, nor express how hurt i've been by the way it's being reported in some outlets. to call these people slobs - these people who have, by and large (did i mention the 15%), complied with every reasonable request to preserve order and property - and to be called hateful and uncivilized when i have never seen a group so organized and polite as to use protest marshalls to guide people in and out of a starbucks, making sure the doors stay shut so the baristas who didn't dress for the weather don't get cold with the wind whistiling in and out of the door as people open and close it. (i mean, really folks, "hateful and uncivilized?')
since monday, protesters have been barred from entering the capitol building in violation of an appellate court ruling and, those who didn't exit - a group of about 75 holding out inside - were unable to leave because they would not be let back in... that, that was worth fighting for. until yesterday, i'd planned to return to madison this weekend to stand in force with them.... with the democratic assembly members forced to move their desks to the capitol steps because their constituents weren't being allowed inside and with the citizens sleeping on the lawn for fear they would be pushed all the way back out to the streets if they gave up the ground. thursday, i was spared that chilly fate by a higher court who ruled that, while it is unconstitutional to bar access to a public building during business hours, it would be considered permissible to close the capitol until open of business monday for cleaning and any necessary repairs.
as the political situation in this state deteriorates, and as the country watches us, i'm not so interested in standing on the sides of unions, but i will always stand with those who stand against those who wish to trample the first amendment, whatever that requires. monday is going to prove a very interesting day.
i guess i got into that a little more than i'd originally intended to...and i can tell because i started crying a little while talking about it but my original point was really just this - that i went and i saw and i participated and that is exactly what all of this is about.
i am starting to see a real change in myself. it's small and it's subtle but i know it and i can see it. while i still haven't really forgiven the universe for birthing me into a family where i would be required to work every day of my life, i find that i'm happier, even there and, when i'm at home, i find myself treasuring the little things more. wednesday, i danced in the grocery store to footloose and last night i rocked out in the car to a little bit of prince. i'm embracing things more and worrying about things less, which is a huge change for me, since i should really be worrying about whether or not i'm leaving mike behind in all of this (i think i might be) but, i have therapists for that.
in the days to come, spring is going to start to peak its head out from behind the piles of totally gross snow-trash which means all sorts of things, from moving our little weekend picnics outside to kite flying (a new addition to my list-of-things-to-do-outside) and a scary camping trip all the way out to the roads finally drying up enough that i can start to learn to do that which has scared me so much - drive without a sense of paralyzing anxiety. mike will be picking up his new accessories in the next few days, which means a lot of changes for our relationship - good or bad - and it means i am one step closer to my own car, and my own requirement to drive it which, for me, means a lot of freedom i really should have gotten about ten years ago...it also means that my money will once again become my own and jetting off for a weekend to experience a place i've never been will, once again, become an option.
i am so excited to see everything that is in store for me and, that, internet, is the biggest change of all.
*w totally optional, but it's more fun to say "g-ahw-d" than "g-A-d" as in 'dad'
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