ask and ye shall recieve...

but with less biblical implications

i told myself i was going to be friendlier with people, even with people who i'm not necessarily sure that i actually like or want to spend time with.  i told myself i wanted to take some more adventures and experience some more things - to travel and to spend some time in the city that sits mere steps from my front door. 

the first time i said any of this outloud was less than two weeks ago and already things seem to be coming to fruition.

folks, i don't get phone calls in the middle of the day.  everyone i know knows i work from seven to three-thirty and that at any given point in that period i could be in a fairly relevant meeting.  they also know i'm glued to my cell phone and a gtalk message will do just as well.  so when my mom called, i sent her to voicemail but i got a little worried.  turns out, she was calling to tell me she has a conference in the district in a few weeks and wanted to know if i want to go and crash in her free hotel room.  the supreme court, the senate floor, the eternal flame, the memorials...the list of things that i would like to see is a mile long and i need to be a little gentler with my mother  six months ago, an improptu trip would have seemed too impulsive to me  now?  it seems like the kind of thing i should be doing.  when else are you going to get a cross country get-away to a destination you'd actually like to see for the low low cost of $180 in airfare and whatever you feel like spending while you're there? 

last night, i went out with some co-workers.  i have the foundation of a sinus infection, so i really didn't want to go.  a killer sore throat from the post-nasal drip and a cough that's mere moments away from becoming productive - ew.  but i went anyway because i said i would and because, usually, once i'm at these things, i start to have fun.  that, and i've always been interested to know if it was the alcohol that made these people more tolerable or not.  so i went and i had a rootbeer and water and mike pouted and eventually insisted we leave, but it was okay since i was tired and my throat hurt from yelling and the venue they chose wasn't my favorite.  so we left before i got a chance to get bored (and evidently before the real fun began, which was kind of a bummer to find out about later) but I think it was for the best because this has been kind of a long week.  turns out, my sister-in-law is more tolerable when i've been drinking, and the crazy girls i used to work with but never liked are neither more or less likable when i've had something to drink - but they're the kind of people who bring their two year olds to bars.  grace, as it turns, is neither more or less fun when i'm drunk - but she's a hell of a lot more fun when she's drunk and her boyfriend shall remain a kill joy. 

what it also results is that last night, seconds after crawling into a bath so hot i'm pretty sure i was being poached (it was awesome), my phone started ringing, then buzzing, then droiding, then dinging, because one voicemail gets sent to you nine ways from sunday when you use google voice.  (in fairness, i need my voicemails sent that virulently, but it's annoying when you're in the tub and you're not sure if that was sixteen text messages you just got or one voicemail notification.)  it was a very drunk sister-in-law ("i'm a little drunk, and i don't really feel very good.  can you talk to grace for me, i'm sick.") and an even drunker grace ("i'm a little drunk...i'm going to call you back when i'm less drunk, k?') insisting i join them next saturday in the city for a girls weekend.

bonus - a few days ago a friend reminded me of our staff meetup in nola this june...and that there are still a few spare bunks available.  i wasn't going to go because the last time we went on a trip with them the combination of fans, needy girls i was traveling with tugging at my apron strings the whole weekend, a tiny hotel room, sweltering heat and who the hell likes orlando anyway? made the entire trip kind of...well, sucky.  i'm not sure i'm going to go yet, but i'm sure i'm considering it.  with separate rooms, a different venue and the promise that people know me well enough now to know that i will occasionally declare 'y'all need to back the hell off for a half hour' and that i can make my own dinners and not eat the crap laying around makes me think the trip might, in the end, be worth it.

three easy, inexpensive (yay for cheap, people!) adventures presented in less than 24 hours, and to think, i wasn't even trying. 

yes, that's white chocolate: reflecting - one week (and then some)

tuesday, i was due for a one week reflection journal.  i screwed up and missed that one.  i know no one is reading this so, i suppose, i could go back in and edit the date - pretend to be the bestest blogger ever - but if this was ever about someone else, it certainly isn't anymore. 

i was a little busy tuesday night - getting dumped for a macbook.  internet, the best thing i can say about my relationship right now is 'it exists'

its way too soon in the "hey, remember how i said i wanted to leave? i changed my mind" process for me to express anything other than anger, frustration, dismay and doubts.  i maintain my previous stance on the importance of new experiences and a sense of independence for me and i'm going forward.  maybe after some more therapy, some more deep breaths, and some more time i'll have something nicer to say but, for today, saying 'okay, we'll try this again' is a lot.

but on to other things - there's this boy at work ;)

no, really, there is a boy at work, but it's not like that.  reece promised to send me pictures from that really-awful-conference they sent him to - he also promised to tell me awesome stories about inappropriate behavior and everyone knows i live for stories about inappropriate behavior - but so far, we're just sticking to the pictures. (bummer.)  my day has been kind of up and down, and right now the best thing i can say for this project is that running against my every impulse to be unfriendly granted me bright spots in this day.

since this all fell apart, my only real reprieve has been work and, while that isn't bad, it isn't exactly peace, light and joy, ya know? (and then i got home to do battle with my taxes - ew.)

i don't know how it happened and i don't know why, but i know that today, the only genuine smile i cracked all day was at the sight of the subject line "yeah, that's white chocolate" and a low-light snapshot of his heavily branded corporate dessert.  so today i'm being grateful for reece and, even though i missed the window to send cookies to his hotel, next week i'll drop a batch off in his office to say thanks because he's not a bad guy to have on the fringes of my life.

it's all in your perspective

i've been struggling over a post about our sunday afternoon picnic this week.  i don't know why, but nothing i wrote was ringing true.  mike and i sat and watched sexie (eddie izzard) and snacked on lunch.  it was relaxing and it was nice to hang out together for a little bit.  i guess maybe i knew this was coming.  i'm not going to belabor the details of this next statement, because it's exhausting just to type it, but suffice to say, that was probably the only sunday afternoon picnic he and i will ever have.

there's a really big part of me that feels like parts of this endeavor were really really stupid.  what was i thinking, trying to invest more into a relationship?  my entire life has taught me that it's a terrible terrible terrible idea.  (interest begets expectations and expectations beget disappointment, therefore, the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest.)  i was halfway through a lifeline phone call to not one but both of my parents when i realized that while it may have been silly to invest in this relationship, i shouldn't consider that a proclamation on this entire adventure...that maybe this is more important than ever now.

going into the city to enjoy myself, participating in more events that pique my interest, expressing gratitude, taking myself less seriously and trying new things wasn't about him or "us" - it was about trying to figure out who i am without all of the garbage.  it was about a sense of independence i needed because i wasn't sure i was happy this relationship.

it may be true that we're very clear on money as the eventual downfall of this particular coupling - an issue that i knew was going to be a problem since day one - and that it doesn't have a whole lot to do with things like saying i love you, so maybe my list is only surviving because my problems are different than they could be, but it survives nonetheless - and with something far more important as number 6.

sorry i fell apart at the end

today started out okay.  i let mike sleep in late because he needed it and spent the morning shopping and planning and looking at picnic baskets.  (this is not a new found affection of mine - i have been in love with the picnic basket since i was a little girl.  tartan linings and leather straps holding in wine glasses and porcelain plates and a thermos full of hot coffee all on a - oh right - totally awesome tartan blanket, are you kidding me?  what isn't there to love?) 

when i got bored with being depressed that a totally kick ass picnic set is going to run $200 unless I want to do it myself, and at nearly three in the afternoon, i woke mike up and we went out to run some errands and chat and hang out.  there was a run to target and the grocery store and some talking about friends and friendship and change and things were all well and good...and then we got home and he mentioned re-upping our lease and wow did i totally lose my shit all over him.

i panicked about the dispersal of financial resources in this house and i freaked out about where this relationship is going.  i put voice to my fears that he doesn't talk to me about what his plans are, even for the immediate future, and that i'm not sure if it means he doesn't have any, or he thinks i won't approve of them, or if i'm simply not invited to participate in his future at all.  i told him i have two therapists who tell me every week that this relationship isn't good for me, that things are unequal and always will be, and that i won't let myself believe it's true but the only way we're going to prove them wrong is if we make sure things are equal in the future, and i need his help to do that. 

i cried, and then he cleaned and that's pretty much how heavy discussions in our house go.  the kitchen is never shinier than when he pisses me off.

he's out now, talking to nate, hopefully about nothing because i find that's usually what the both of us need after a night like this.  so, if you're out there hon, i'm sorry i fell apart at the end but i really enjoyed the beginning.

don't assess your situtation in life until the advil kicks in

two minutes ago, this screen read "turns out, this shit is kind of hard.  or maybe that's just the headache talking."  i was five sentences into complaining about a looming migraine, but i'm not going there again because the whole point - the whole premise of this experiment - is that a positive outlook can produce a positive result.

so, positive outlooks it is.

tonight, i:
made awesome, cakey peanut butter cookies with mike and shared them with nate.  i think next week i'll make another batch and mail it to reece's hotel.  he's flying out tonight to start a nine day conference that will have him working around the clock, and he's not looking forward to it, but he told me today that he likes his peanut butter cookies with hershey kisses pressed into the tops.  i like mailing people baked goods, i think there has to be something wonderful about getting a surprise package in the mail and opening it up to find a homemade treat.  

went to dinner across the street.  the food was wonderful as usual and, while the staff is flakey and the drama is turned on high pretty much most of the time, it is a little like family.  they're getting a feature as one of the five best chef's in the state plus a full page in the local paper which is awesome because they really deserve to succeed.  they're nervous about being ready, so mike volunteered to help them clean up the restaurant on monday cuz he's a nice guy like that.

crawled into bed with not only a clean set of sheets, but also four new pillow cases and one brand new pillow.  don't you love how squashy new pillows are?  you can sink into them for miles and it just never seems to stop.  (that's number 10 and then some!)

hopefully, as soon as this high pressure zone clears out of here, i'll be able to enjoy them properly.  in the mean time, it's all advil and sudafed for me.

13. enjoy holidays - all of them. even the silly ones.

so i sucked at reflecting.  i figured, to make myself feel better, i would make a list because lists are comforting and nice and they make me feel like i've accomplished something.   plus - bonus - goals that don't involve thinking about marriage and children ;)

february:
132A. valentine's day, fourteenth
132B. pluto day, eighteenth
133C. president's day, twenty-first

march
133A. i want you to be happy day, third
133B. mardi gras, eight
133C. pi day, fourteenth
133D. st. patrick's day, seventeenth

april
134A. earth day, twenty-second

may
135A. national pizza party day, fifteenth

june
136A. leave the office early day, second
136B. flag day & my mom's birthday, fourteenth
136C. stupid guy thing day, twenty-second

july
137A. postage stamp day, first
137B. independance day, fourth

august
138A. my birthday, eighth
138B. international duran duran day/s'more's day, tenth
138C. rootbeer float day, nineteeth
138D. more herbs, less salt day, twenty-ninth

september
139A. video games day, twelfth
139B. talk like a pirate day, nineteenth
139C. my dad's birthday, twenty-fifth

october
13OA. mad hatter day, sixth
13OB. sweetest day, fifteenth
13OC. halloween, thirty-first

november
13NA. cliche day, third
13NB. mike's birthday, fifth
13NC. dr. who day, twenty-third

december
13DA. national cookie day, fourth
13DB. christmas, twenty-fifth
13DC. new years eve, thirty-first

reflecting: three days

today probably isn't the best day to reflect on this project - or maybe it is.  today i had therapy.  folks, i hate therapy.  i think if your therapist is worth their salt, you should hate therapy, but i hate it nevertheless and i never want to go.  plus, i also had my allergy shot today - and i hate needles.

clearly, i'm not exactly an overnight case on the being less negative thing.  but, i promised myself i would keep reflecting - keeping thinking about it, keep focusing on it until it stuck, so i'm doing it tonight, but i'm not doing it well.  one day, three days, one week, two weeks, one month and so on...

i always leave the office feeling morose.  sure, she makes sure to take a moment to say "the reason you have this problem is because you're smart - you aren't like other people and you look at things differently.  you have a gift, you just have no idea how to apply it," but honestly, to me that sounds like the same bullshit people have been feeding me since i was four.  it isn't enough to just tell me i need to apply intuitiveness and rational thinking to my relationships with people - tell me how to do it.

but, that brings me back around to this project because, after we got done talking about work, we started talking about goals.  we're still getting to know eachother and she asked me what my life goals were for my career, my finances, my relationships - romantic and other wise, marriage, kids, etc... literally, that's what she asked me.  i remember, because i tried to crawl under the door and escape.  we only made it as far as work, money and friendship.  we got stuck there because I said something simple and true - "i want friends.  sure, i want some friends i can mull over deep, personal issues with, but i also just want some people i can go shopping with or have over for dinner and i haven't had any of those in years." 

she asked why i dont have any, and how long it has been since i did and i answered as honestly as i know how to "because all the friends i had either died, committed ultimate acts of betrayal or tried to sleep with me.  the last time i made a new friend was college, which is impressive, since i was two years ahead."  i'm a work and then home girl right now, and when i'm at work, when i discover something in common with someone, i hide it in fear that we might actually have to bond over something - because did i mention all of the burials, betrayals and bloodshed?

still, i'm trying to be better and part of the list - a big part of the list, in fact, is about friendship.  it's about not being the work and then home girl - about going places and trying new things and meeting new people and, maybe bonding with them enough to beg for an opinion on my furniture.  it's about not hiding behind mike anymore and blaming my anti-social behavior on his.  and, in a way, it's about dragging him along for the ride.  (and yes, i was being paranoid.  he didn't notice, but at least that meant he kind of cared.  not a big 'joiner,' that one.) 

so yes, it is, a little about friendship and today i'm reflecting on how hard this is going to be, but i'm banking on it being worth it too.

reflecting: one day

today i didn't do a lot of the things on my list. in fact, the only thing on the list i did accomplish was number twelve. today i appreciated a moment and, hours later, it feels pretty good.

instead of drowning in how exhausted and out of my element i was feeling, taking a second to be content felt good, and it felt even better when the sense of "how nice was that" carried on for hours. i don't expect it to work every day, but there might be something to this whole 'gratitude' thing.

the other thing i did today left me feeling a little bit less zen and content. this project - this change - has been sloshing around in my head for months...since the phrase "today i will be happier than a bird with a french fry" got stuck in my head for the first time, maybe even since the first time katie leveled me at a bar by asking "but you're happy, aren't you?" today though, today was the first time i took the chance and let someone else in. so maybe, just maybe, i should have added "let people in" to my little list and then i would be able to check two things off. today i invited the other half to participate and, for me, that's scary because, and not to give too much credit to my therapist, i wait for the day i'm going to come home to no one. hours later and, with no response at all, i guess all i can really hope for is that he didn't notice - otherwise, who am i going to kiss at red lights?

what was that about appreciation?

i had one of those days today. its not fair to call it a bad day because it wasn't a bad day, it was just one of those days i'm going to be having a lot of - days of adjustment. i woke up this morning with a headache and, okay, i was up too late last night and, between that and the chinese food, i'm the only one to blame. still, it was a killer headache and i was exhausted so i took a few advil and did my best to fall back asleep for a couple more hours before going into the office. when i got there, i spent hours trying to catch up on the sixty-five e-mails i got over the long weekend while training the new girl to take over my job and holding the hand of the total nutjob well meaning guy who sits across the wall.

it was a day spent with dozens of people coming to my desk and the constant prodding questions about whether or not i was taking the job i already took but they don't know about and signing my formal offer letter and trying to walk the fine line and then, at three o'clock, it all stopped. everyone went home and the office went quiet and i suddenly had some time to get things done and then i realized i don't have things to get done anymore. okay, no, i do, but not like i used to. now, its my job to answer sixty-five emails and find ways to order hundreds of dollars in computer equipment and make sure these twenty-five people are doing what they're supposed to be doing. right now, i don't have thirty spreadsheets just waiting for me to manipulate hundreds of lines of data and that is a totally new sensation.

so tonight, i came home and i flopped into my chair and i watched a couple episodes of bad tv and i played with this layout and, when the tired and the sore caught up to me, i came upstairs and i crawled into bed to watch a couple more episodes of bad tv with the nice warm rice pack Mike warmed up for me and the wonderful cup of tea and i thought maybe this isn't so bad and man is he great.

ice cold, cool.

do you remember in the sixth grade when the nerdy kids still played with dolls/watched nickelodeon and you were way way way too cool for that? or worse, do you remember being the kid in sixth grade who still played with dolls and got made fun of by all of the other kids that were way way way too cool for that? remember when you were older and you looked at the sixth graders who thought it was too cool and made fun of them because that was the most uncool thing ever?

internet, i feel pretty uncool right now. i don't really know where i landed in the sixth grade - i know i played with dolls, but i'm pretty sure i pretended i didn't, which was uncool to all of those other kids who played with dolls, but what are you going to do, right? right now, though? right now i'm totally one of the kids making fun of all the other kids and there is a part of me that knows that's pretty sad - a part of me that knows what i'm missing out on and i don't want to miss it anymore. i want the snapshots of tomorrow to be filled with new experiences and laughter - even if the laughter is over how awful the new experiences turn out to be.

a few months ago, i might have said that years of trauma have taught me to be callous, not to love things or to want them, but i just think that would be more of the same. so, for today, i'm going to say that years of poor decisions (on my part) let me fool myself into believing that being clever meant making fun of everyone and everything. i won't say i'm going to give up on making fun of people and things because i love making fun of people and things, but i want to love things just as much as i love making fun of them.

this journey will probably be about a lot of things - about personal growth, about change, about being open - but i hope, above anything I might be able to get out of it, the biggest benefit will be to my relationship. ten years and a lot of baggage has given way to complacency and if i am a very, very lucky girl, i won't be the only one taking the trip.

clever little things to do to change a life

1. spend one day a month in the city.
2. go on a picnic somewhere every sunday.
3. try something new at least every other month.
4. plan a secret, surprise vacation
5. take an adventure once in a while.
6. kiss at red lights.
7. do something outside.
8. say thank you to the people we love.
9. make more choices using Rock, Paper, Scissors.
10. indulge in clean sheets more often.
11. spend silly time together.
12. acknowledge the good as well as the bad.
13. enjoy holidays - all of them. especially the silly ones.