pretty things...

i had a pretty intense dream this weekend, internet.

it morphed into a commentary on life and on love and how woefully short of loving anything i have a tendency to fall.  naturally, i responded to this dream by hopping online in search of a dream catcher.  i found one at toonyvintage on etsy and i can only hope that it arrives as beautiful as it appears - a fluff of feathers and the perfect mix between art and purpose.

love incarnate...and speaking of that...
 a lot of things in my personal history haven't really worked out, and i'm sure i have no shortage of things in my future that won't work out either, but to learn to live the experiences and love them for what they are is something i'm not sure i've ever done before - to be open and take deep breaths and drink everything in, each iota of what it means.

it feels really silly to say that i've never considered what i want, what kind of person i want to be or what kind of people i want to be around.  as my relationship suffers/survives while will be transformative (either way), i caught myself building up an expectation that i would be able to rely on the other people in my life to help me patch up some of the void and fill in some of the empty spots.  in the last few weeks, it's become really clear that i can't count on that - that not all of the people in my life are ready to be that person, but really, that's okay, because it prompted me to ask myself questions about more than what i want to be, but about who i want to be surrounded by.

i've slipped a little bit - struggled to invest my time and my hope and my love in mike, so constantly afraid that he had one foot out the door - but i think, no matter what happens, the investment can't be wasted now.  my tendency to focus on the destination more than the journey (hi, type a personality!) makes me look back at my friendships, at my mistakes and dismiss the entire experience with no regard for the adventure. 

it's a mistake i'm trying not to make again (and again, and again and again...) so, today, respecting the adventure, i decided to part with $40 hard earned dollars, trading them in for a chance at unmolested sleep and a guarantee of a piece i will keep with me for years, exactly as it is.