i haven't posted here in a while - a lot longer than i originally intended to. in my defense, this hasn't really gone the way i expected it to. my relationship wasn't supposed to start unraveling at the seams and, when it did, it really put a bit of a damper on talking about accetuating the positives. still, whatever it looks like, i have been trying to live it, if i can't yet talk about it.
the trip we were going to take to chicago never got off the ground. it faded right around the same time as the nausea and, truth be told, i was a little relieved and a little sad. sad because it's exactly the sort of thing that i wanted to do. relieved because i didn't really like everyone in the party an because who knows what kind of fun they would want to have, and would it be things i find enjoyable? as much as i'm trying to step out of my comfort zone, with things as big as "enjoying time with other people" i'm trying to be careful about the things i do while i'm doing it - because god knows i'm an easy scare.
the trip to d.c. is still totally on and, i have to tell you, that is all excitement. as much as being around my mom all of the time can be maddening - because her understanding of the world and mine diverge fairly significantly (and we still haven't worked around the whole crazy-cheating-lesbian 'thing') - for a couple of days at a time, we get along really really well and i can genuinely say that i like spending time with her. i think we're going to have a lot of fun.
mike and i are...well, we are, thats all that can be said for right now. he's trying really hard to be more invested, but there's a big part of me that feels like the big things that are an issue now - money and the future - are going to stay big issues. when i originally agreed to his plan b, i agreed to it because i thought that what he meant was 'give me some time to make it on my own and learn life lessons by falling flat on my face' and what he really meant was 'let me stay like i am forever' and i don't think putting up with that would be fair to me. i want things. i want to move somewhere warmer. i want to buy a house. i want to own a nice car for me and a nice car for whomever i'm with. i (think i) want a kid and i want to stay home and raise that child until they are old enough to go to school all day.
it's way too soon to say anything for sure, but i have some reservations and some qualms and i'm going to need some more work and he's going to need some work too. when we're done, maybe we'll be together and maybe we won't but either way, i want both of us to be ok when we get where we're going.
so, in the spirit of enjoying the holidays and spending time together, mike and i had another living room picnic - stuffed mushrooms and a mediocre white fish while a batch of sugar cookies baked off in the oven. when they were done, we sat on the couch with a plastic heart tablecloth on the coffee table and iced some little red, pink and white cookies. mike's look like they were done by a kindergartner and mine look somehow fussy and ugly at the same time, but we did it and we did it together and i appreciate both the effort and the gesture. i told him - and i'm sure i'll have to remind him - that next weeks' silliness is going to have to be on him.
in other news, one of the local temple's is having 'bring a neighbor night' in a few weeks and i was invited to attend. religion isn't really my thing. in fact, today i was watching tv and a character made mention of 'in my religion, we've always known prayer worked - but i didn't know there was data available' and i told mike that, when i hear things like that, i'm honestly dumbfounded. 'there are people out there that actually honestly really believe in prayer.' i know that reads as really cruel but i mean it in the best possible way - its like looking at a projection map, it just seems foreign and impossible. still, i've always maintained that, if there was a religion for me, it would have to be judaism. there have been a lot of moments in my life where i've wondered if it wouldn't be nice to believe in something bigger than myself - that there were reasons people did the kinds of things that they do or that there was a reason i'd endured the things i'd endured, but nothing ever really stuck. given everything, though, i think there might be something to be said for looking in on religion from time to time and - forgive me - cherry picking the best parts to impose on my own life. sometimes i feel like i'm looking for things to connect with and what better a place to try connecting with something than a temple? i still like bacon cheeseburgers, so i probably wont go for the whole thing, but maybe there are some details to be gleaned.
who knows, but i'm giving it a shot.
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