i've been struggling over a post about our sunday afternoon picnic this week. i don't know why, but nothing i wrote was ringing true. mike and i sat and watched sexie (eddie izzard) and snacked on lunch. it was relaxing and it was nice to hang out together for a little bit. i guess maybe i knew this was coming. i'm not going to belabor the details of this next statement, because it's exhausting just to type it, but suffice to say, that was probably the only sunday afternoon picnic he and i will ever have.
there's a really big part of me that feels like parts of this endeavor were really really stupid. what was i thinking, trying to invest more into a relationship? my entire life has taught me that it's a terrible terrible terrible idea. (interest begets expectations and expectations beget disappointment, therefore, the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest.) i was halfway through a lifeline phone call to not one but both of my parents when i realized that while it may have been silly to invest in this relationship, i shouldn't consider that a proclamation on this entire adventure...that maybe this is more important than ever now.
going into the city to enjoy myself, participating in more events that pique my interest, expressing gratitude, taking myself less seriously and trying new things wasn't about him or "us" - it was about trying to figure out who i am without all of the garbage. it was about a sense of independence i needed because i wasn't sure i was happy this relationship.
it may be true that we're very clear on money as the eventual downfall of this particular coupling - an issue that i knew was going to be a problem since day one - and that it doesn't have a whole lot to do with things like saying i love you, so maybe my list is only surviving because my problems are different than they could be, but it survives nonetheless - and with something far more important as number 6.
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