today probably isn't the best day to reflect on this project - or maybe it is. today i had therapy. folks, i hate therapy. i think if your therapist is worth their salt, you should hate therapy, but i hate it nevertheless and i never want to go. plus, i also had my allergy shot today - and i hate needles.
clearly, i'm not exactly an overnight case on the being less negative thing. but, i promised myself i would keep reflecting - keeping thinking about it, keep focusing on it until it stuck, so i'm doing it tonight, but i'm not doing it well. one day, three days, one week, two weeks, one month and so on...
i always leave the office feeling morose. sure, she makes sure to take a moment to say "the reason you have this problem is because you're smart - you aren't like other people and you look at things differently. you have a gift, you just have no idea how to apply it," but honestly, to me that sounds like the same bullshit people have been feeding me since i was four. it isn't enough to just tell me i need to apply intuitiveness and rational thinking to my relationships with people - tell me how to do it.
but, that brings me back around to this project because, after we got done talking about work, we started talking about goals. we're still getting to know eachother and she asked me what my life goals were for my career, my finances, my relationships - romantic and other wise, marriage, kids, etc... literally, that's what she asked me. i remember, because i tried to crawl under the door and escape. we only made it as far as work, money and friendship. we got stuck there because I said something simple and true - "i want friends. sure, i want some friends i can mull over deep, personal issues with, but i also just want some people i can go shopping with or have over for dinner and i haven't had any of those in years."
she asked why i dont have any, and how long it has been since i did and i answered as honestly as i know how to "because all the friends i had either died, committed ultimate acts of betrayal or tried to sleep with me. the last time i made a new friend was college, which is impressive, since i was two years ahead." i'm a work and then home girl right now, and when i'm at work, when i discover something in common with someone, i hide it in fear that we might actually have to bond over something - because did i mention all of the burials, betrayals and bloodshed?
still, i'm trying to be better and part of the list - a big part of the list, in fact, is about friendship. it's about not being the work and then home girl - about going places and trying new things and meeting new people and, maybe bonding with them enough to beg for an opinion on my furniture. it's about not hiding behind mike anymore and blaming my anti-social behavior on his. and, in a way, it's about dragging him along for the ride. (and yes, i was being paranoid. he didn't notice, but at least that meant he kind of cared. not a big 'joiner,' that one.)
so yes, it is, a little about friendship and today i'm reflecting on how hard this is going to be, but i'm banking on it being worth it too.
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